Facing Down Our Own Inadequacies

Today Fred was embarrassed to show me all the schoolwork that has been piling up in his tattered major league baseball folder. It was chock full of finished assignments and even a few graded tests. As this year has gone by we obviously haven't been too diligent about always asking to see his work.

So the two of us spent a few minutes looking through a large stack of English papers, math quizzes, and science reviews and there was probably only a few without a little (or a lot) of red ink on them. Most of his papers had -3, -5, even -12 wrong. I didn't really comment on much of it, just kept flipping through and setting aside the math work that seemed the most problematic. The longer we went through the work, the more sullen he became, His sweet face got blotchy. He started to cry.

This child gets quite good grades on his report card. Not only for his academics, but for his attitude, kindness and participation. The work we looked at today is no different than the work he's been doing all year. Average, some days above average, some days below. He has no reason to be so hard on himself. We don't punish the children because of their school work, we don't scream and yell. Sometimes we tell them we want them to work harder, we emphasize that learning takes effort and time, just like learning a sport or learning to play an instrument. But the way Fred reacted this morning is no different than how my other two children would and have reacted. All three tend to get defensive and upset when they feel their work is sub-par.

After he left for school, Sam and I discussed Fred's sulking. "Why does he act like that, why is he so sensitive?" I wished out loud that he would just be bold and show me the work and say "OK, so this wasn't so great-- I'll keep trying, I'll do better next time," and roll with it. We talked about how there is virtue in the fact that he has high expectations for himself. We wondered what we might be doing "wrong" as parents that they react the way they do when things don't go exactly as they wish.

We didn't come up with any good answers. Then something hit me. Something I read last night that struck a strong chord with me...

This is from the writer Ann Patchett, from an article on a wonderful site I recently found called "Brain Pickings." Although I found some of the interview to be a little soapy, a bit over the top, that particular quote resonated with me, not just about writing but about a lot of things I do or don't do in life. "...this grief of constantly having to face down our own inadequacies" seems strong, dramatic. But frankly many days I think it's right on target.

So the next time my kids are pouting or upset about their work. I'm going to try to remember this quote and talk to them about self-forgiveness. I think I'll even print it out and tape it right here on my ole' laptop.