Facing Down Our Own Inadequacies

Today Fred was embarrassed to show me all the schoolwork that has been piling up in his tattered major league baseball folder. It was chock full of finished assignments and even a few graded tests. As this year has gone by we obviously haven't been too diligent about always asking to see his work.

So the two of us spent a few minutes looking through a large stack of English papers, math quizzes, and science reviews and there was probably only a few without a little (or a lot) of red ink on them. Most of his papers had -3, -5, even -12 wrong. I didn't really comment on much of it, just kept flipping through and setting aside the math work that seemed the most problematic. The longer we went through the work, the more sullen he became, His sweet face got blotchy. He started to cry.

This child gets quite good grades on his report card. Not only for his academics, but for his attitude, kindness and participation. The work we looked at today is no different than the work he's been doing all year. Average, some days above average, some days below. He has no reason to be so hard on himself. We don't punish the children because of their school work, we don't scream and yell. Sometimes we tell them we want them to work harder, we emphasize that learning takes effort and time, just like learning a sport or learning to play an instrument. But the way Fred reacted this morning is no different than how my other two children would and have reacted. All three tend to get defensive and upset when they feel their work is sub-par.

After he left for school, Sam and I discussed Fred's sulking. "Why does he act like that, why is he so sensitive?" I wished out loud that he would just be bold and show me the work and say "OK, so this wasn't so great-- I'll keep trying, I'll do better next time," and roll with it. We talked about how there is virtue in the fact that he has high expectations for himself. We wondered what we might be doing "wrong" as parents that they react the way they do when things don't go exactly as they wish.

We didn't come up with any good answers. Then something hit me. Something I read last night that struck a strong chord with me...

This is from the writer Ann Patchett, from an article on a wonderful site I recently found called "Brain Pickings." Although I found some of the interview to be a little soapy, a bit over the top, that particular quote resonated with me, not just about writing but about a lot of things I do or don't do in life. "...this grief of constantly having to face down our own inadequacies" seems strong, dramatic. But frankly many days I think it's right on target.

So the next time my kids are pouting or upset about their work. I'm going to try to remember this quote and talk to them about self-forgiveness. I think I'll even print it out and tape it right here on my ole' laptop.

Be Still & Know... You are 43

It’s that time again, time for me to get a little nostalgic and write about the years behind and years ahead of me. This year is really a non-starter when it comes to birthdays. There’s nothing new about being three years into my fortieth decade except that perhaps the crushing weight of current and future responsibilities feels a wee bit heavier.

At this juncture in life, working, avoiding putting away laundry, driving my mini-van, grocery shopping, cooking, seeking out more coffee, volunteering and attending various children’s events are the activities that shape the vast majority of my time. Between work and my three beautiful kids I am consistently on deadline and/or on the move. We also have a fun, family-oriented social life with like-minded people and this is all good. But so immersed am I in my attempts to get everything done, get everyone where they need to be and still “live in the moment” each week that concepts like reading the newspaper, engaging in deep thoughts and spirituality are not regularly showing up on my radar.

This makes it tough when it’s an election year and it’s time to vote. I am active in my community, I try to read more than my social media feeds and watch more informative programming than “Love it or List It” and Blackhawks games, but right now it is impossible for me to grasp which candidates from which political machines are the best qualified, the better of two evils and who actually want to make this state, this country or this world a better place. Each election cycle I vow to get more informed and dig up some of the idealistic passion for politics I had in my 20’s and 30’s. But these tasks just don’t make the priority list scrawled on my kitchen whiteboard or inputted into the family Google calendar.

This is my truth and I don’t think I’m that unusual or should be totally ashamed, even if some days I feel one hundred percent like the stereotypical suburban “soccer mom.” I know how privileged and lucky I am. In a world where we are continuously bombarded with media stories of illness, war, violence, terrorism, corruption and the truly bizarre, I am blessed beyond measure when it comes to my marriage, supportive family and friends, safe community and much, much more. I take heart in these things.

But there’s a reason why the woes of middle age are so storied. Being 43 means you’re in the midst of changing dreams (kids’ college, retirement?), growing worries (health and aging family members) and regularly feeling like you’re the oldest person in the restroom at the rock concert (not always, but often).

From all the inspirational quotes I read on Facebook each day believe me I know someday I’ll look back and know that these are the good ole' days, the little things are the big things, I can’t live a positive life with negative thoughts and when they grow up, my voice will be the voice inside my kids’ heads (note to self, inspirational content is booming business). So this 43 year old will keep marching on. A little older, a little wiser, knowing that someday not too long from now I’ll have more time to really think, research and ponder important issues, get more than six hours of sleep per night and just be still.

But really...that doesn't sound like much fun, does it?

Ode to Summer

What should we do this summer?

Yes kids, let’s make a list
Freedom, relaxation… 
Twelve weeks just seems endless

Baseball, baseball, baseball
Packing coolers, chairs and snacks
Sunscreen, friends and croquet
The sound of open pop cans crack

Late sleepy mornings
Fans blowing through the nights
Disney Channel on the TV
Pool time and epic squirt gun fights

Bikes laying on the front lawn
Lazy talks on our front porch
Man this is a hot one
The poor lawn and garden scorch

Roadtrips new and to the lake 
Frisbee at the park
Fireflies and kick the can 
Itching bug bites after dark

I’m bored, you suck, it’s boring
Money’s flying out the door
This house looks like a hellhole
Grub and undies on the floor

Fridge and cupboards again empty
Who ate every last Pop Tart? 
It’s hot, I’m tired, he punched me!
Remind me just when school will start?

Download the lists, hit the store
Buy the lunch stuff and the snacks
This summer sure seems rainy…
You really all need new backpacks?

Hurry, hurry, hurry
Brush your teeth it’s almost eight!
Summer leaves my front door slamming
How I wish that it would wait.

Parenting Magic 8 Ball

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I’m definitely not teacher material but I was born loving children and truly enjoyed being a busy and well-paid babysitter, nanny and auntie in my younger years. I wanted my own children from the time I was twenty and after a long and rocky journey, I’m lucky and blessed enough to have three of my own.

But as much as I cherish being a mother, I’ve always had this feeling I’d be challenged by being a momma of school-aged kids in a big way. You see, I’m a do-er. I like making things work, making things better, making things right. And with younger ones-- there seems to be solid ways of doing things “right.” Babies? They’re exhausting, but love them, feed them, burp them, care for them and see that they’re hitting those milestones and you get the feeling you’re on a positive parenting track. Toddlers and pre-schoolers? I could just eat them right up-- they love to learn, explore, snuggle, laugh, and sing. They’re also exhausting little buggers but through all the tantrums, potty training and general kid-induced mess I still felt like it was pretty clear how to parent them.

But now, I’m more than knee-deep in the job of mothering school-aged kids and it’s hard to know what’s “right.” These little people who dominate my home make me wonder each day if I’m doing this parenting thing even close to right.

Do they have enough friends? Are they working hard enough in school? Are they watching too much TV, playing too much Xbox, listening to too much inappropriate music? Should I ban Eminem from their play lists? Should I be tougher with them about their schoolwork? Are they too wrapped up in sports? Do they have enough empathy? How much should we be talking about terrible news we see on TV? How bad is it that we’re hardly getting to church these days? Should I be buying more organic food? And just who are all these kids on their Instagram accounts using seriously foul language and already posting lyrics about crushes, break-ups and broken hearts?

I often feel like I have waaaay more questions than answers.

One of my current parenting dilemmas is with my sweet little girl who wants to spend almost all her time with her twin brother and friends who are boys. This is no earth-shattering problem but I get this feeling it’s an issue I need to be delicate with. She knows I’m a bit worried about this situation and was stressed to tell me yesterday that now that they can finally go outdoors at recess she plans on playing football with the boys. I felt terrible she was feeling self-conscious about this choice. It’s obvious she’s in tune with my concerns about her social well-being.

Some days I sure wish I had a parenting Magic 8 Ball to give me the answers I crave about how to make sure I'm raising my children “right.” Friends and family are supportive and of course there are thousands of books I can turn to and oodles online of parenting advice. But most of the time I’m just too busy with life to do the research-- I'm just flying by the seat of my mom-jeans (but non-elastic mom jeans btw!). I suppose that’s what most of us parents are doing… right?

This morning I noted that my daughter was in full athletic wear for school today-- track pants, t-shirt, hoodie. “Are you planning on playing football at recess today hon?” I asked as she gave me my goodbye hug. “Yes,” she replied as she pulled away and cast her eyes down. “You go get ‘em,” I told her. And as she gave me a smile that could power up this whole town’s electrical grid, I thought to myself that for today at least, I’d done at least one parenting thing “right.” 

Motivation...Man!

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It’s that time of year-- resolution making/breaking time. For the last few weeks I’ve been writing professionally and reading personally about goal-setting and various strategies to meet aspirations, be happier, be more successful and productive in one's business and personal life.

Martha Beck, Gretchen Rubin, Inc. Magazine, Dave Kerpen, SheKnows, StatisticBrain, Health.com, Psychology Today, Huffington Post and WebMD are just a few of the authors and sources I’ve turned to. There's a lot of good advice and theories out there, but man it wears me out sometimes just thinking about how much effort I should and could put into improving myself and how to stay motivated while doing it.

Through some of my resolution reading I've learned I have a “quick start” behavior personality-- i.e. I’m not one to review the manual when I buy a new appliance and once I’ve made a decision on just about anything I jump in with both feet. True to character, I decided to see if I could short-cut my way to goal-reaching inspiration by talking to someone who tackles life and work in what seems to be a stress-free, extremely positive manner. That someone is my DH…dear husband.

Love this guy to death but turns out Sam can’t provide the quick fix philosophical help I’m looking for. When I ask him what motivates him work-wise, he answers without hesitation -- it’s the end-users, the children who benefit and enjoy the cool products he sells to their schools year in and year out.

But when I ask him what motivates him more generally he’s stumped. Truly-- he’s puzzled so I take another route-- does he ever just dread getting out of the bed some mornings to face a tough day?  If so, what does he do to overcome this feeling and face what he has in front of him? “Hmmm….nope, I just love mornings. They’re exciting. I like thinking about what the day will bring.”

Argh. Really?  Really. But he’s not perfect (nor does he think he is) and when it comes to motivational advice, he can’t seem to dish it out easily. I think this is because at his core Sam is just inherently motivated… just about all the time, just about every day about everything (except some specific home-repair projects I wish he’d jump on!)

So how can this successful, naturally motivated guy provide a slug-like human such as me with insight when it comes to work/life improvement? Honestly, I wasn’t sure at first but I decided to look at both his actions and his words to help me zap some inspiration from him.

•         Be who you are, but strive to improve (so goal-setting is worth it)
•         Treat your clients like your friends (it puts the pressure on you when things go awry, but it’s worth it in the end)
•         In business what you’re really selling is you, your reputation, your personality (remember this whether you work for yourself or someone else)
•         Show a genuine interest in people and their families and they’ll be interested in your/yours (good business is all about relationships)
•         Say what you’re going to do and do what you say… (integrity, follow-through counts)
•         Never let the weather affect a good time (so… no excuses when it comes to exercise or anything else for that matter!)
•         If you’re day isn’t going well or how you planned, divert to something else (don’t beat yourself up and have a plan B)
•         Balance work and family, you’ll never regret it (it’s the main thing retired/veteran colleagues will nearly always tell you)
•         Don’t worry about things you can’t control (i'll never be this Zen but this may be the ultimate secret to stress-control)

“You never know what’s out there or how your day might go unless you get out there and give it a shot.” 

Thanks hon-- who needs self-help gurus or research when you’re here to teach this middle-aged dog some new tricks?

42 Skidoo

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Today is my birthday.  42 Skidoo! Hmmm… it just doesn’t have the same ring to it as 22 Skidoo, which to give credit where credit is due is actually a phrase my oldest sister made up when she was 22 years old.

22 was a special time in my life-- I believe I even savored it when I was in it. I was living on my own in the city, making new friends and making my way. I was discovering my career and discovering myself. I was broke, but not in debt. I was seriously dating, but not married. I was young but not a kid anymore. 

Some days I still feel like I’m 22, other days I feel my real age and then some. I’ve been doing a bit of self-reflection over the last few weeks and I've even taken (wasted) the time to dish out my major middle-age complaints to my sisters and best friends (you know the ones-- too much grey hair, ugh to my ever-expanding waistline, the feeling of shock when I look in the mirror or see my photo).

But now, I’m turning the corner and I’ve decided I’m going with the attitude of “Yes, I’m getting older, good for me. It sure beats the alternative.” I doubt I’ll be the type who embraces every wrinkle and age spot (or kinky white hair!) but as time marches on I’m not going to pretend to be younger than I am or ashamed of aging. That’s just a disservice to myself and all the “old” folks in my life.

This past 12 months have been quite interesting for me and my husband. We’ve experienced some very typical middle-age challenges with job issues and health concerns.  We’ve had the chance to make changes in our life together and I am alternately thrilled and freaked out about just how swiftly our world can be rocked while simultaneously our responsibilities keep growing.

When I was 22, I think I would’ve recognized and happily accepted my 42 year-old self and not be too surprised at where I am and what I’m doing right now. But I know for sure she wouldn’t have any inkling of what it took to get here.

As I age I like acknowledging the things I really love, even trivial things. One of those things I love doing is making lists. No one can do it like one of my journalistic idols, Chicago Tribune’s Mary Schmich, or "The Happiness Project's" Gretchen Rubin, but for fun here’s a few things I’ve learned over the last 20 years.

·         Career changes happen for a reason. Look at them positively and move forward.

·         If you have them and you can possibly do it, love and cherish your parents and siblings when they are with you here on earth.

·         Always back-up your computer. Yes we have the Cloud and technology gets better every year, but why chance it?

·         Reading makes life better.

·         Capture life’s moments in real time, not taking pictures you may not have time to sort/organize/review later.

·         If all feels hopeless, get some sleep. Immediately.

·         Coffee is the be-all, end-all elixir when it comes to productivity or coping with 3-7PM during young motherhood.

·         Friends can be just as important as family. Never worry about this and always be open to making new ones.

·         Keep riding your bike. It’s a life-long exercise that delivers freedom and happiness.

·         Be authentic at work, it makes it so much more bearable and less complicated.

·         If I am healthy and my family is healthy, I am truly blessed.

Enjoy your day today. I know I am bound and determined to do the same.

10 Social Media Commandments for Tweens

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I wrote yesterday about my eleven-year-old son joining a social media network, in particular Instagram. I mentioned I'd post family rules I created to set boundaries regarding just how much he shares and who he's sharing it with.

In our house, humor rules. So you'll see I've written our rules with a bit of light-heartedness and have entitled it as "Commandments." I shared them with C. last night and actually got a few chuckles out of him. But he understands these rules are serious.

I fully understand kids and social media can be a dangerous mix. There are cyber-bullies, hurt feelings among friends and of course there's the chance that a child's photos or information could be accessed by unseemly people or unauthorized entities. The website www.sociallyactive.com is a great resource to check out regarding children and internet safety. Their specific article about Instagram is very thorough.

If your child is on Instagram, check their profile. Be sure they haven't listed their last name, phone number or any location information. Also ensure that the button that says "Photos are Private" is listed as "ON" so they have to manually accept new followers and their photos aren't mapped geographically.

That being said, here are the 10 Commandments I put together this week.

K. Household Social Media Commandments for Tweens:

1.) Thou art only allowed to be a member of one social media network. You are not a marketer or journalist; you do not need votes as a “Dancing with the Stars” cast member, nor are you publishing a book anytime soon you must promote. I only have time to monitor one account for you, therefore, that is all ye shall have.
 

2.) I have the name and login for your current social media account and thou shall not change it. The penalty for breaking this rule will be swift and severe.

3.) I shall access and peruse your account from any device of my choosing, any time.

4.) I will delete or un-follow whomever I deem inappropriate. I’ll tell ye about it afterwards, but it shall be done at my discretion.

5.)Thou shall not follow or friend anyone you do not know. This means if you haven’t met them in person, i.e., you couldn't greet each other by name at Dairy Queen; they are not in your network. No friends’ cousins who just seem so very cool. No need for it right now. Learn to be clever and digitally socialize with people ye actually know.

6.) Thou shall present yourself online knowing your mother is monitoring your account, your friends’ mothers are monitoring theirs and with the understanding that what you put out there shall be out there forever. This means your future guidance counselor, babysitting employer or the sweet choir director from church should be able to look at what you post and not think one bit differently about the great kid you are.

7.) Thou shall not swear (excessively) and absolutely not at or against anyone. Friends or followers who do will be un-followed.

8.) No inappropriate photos shall be posted. In all photos of you that are posted you WILL be fully dressed. If you even think you should not post a photo, do not post it. (And if I think ye shouldn't have posted it, it’s gone in one swift click by me.)

9.) No sexual commentary or photos. Enough said. (I just can’t use any old-timey language here-- need to be straight and to the point.)

10.) Thou shall only check thy social media network very few times per day. Life is happening in real time with real people, places and events all around you. Thou shall not get sucked into a social world that is strictly virtual.

Let the Tween Social Media Monitoring Begin!

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It’s hard for me to fathom, but I’ve reached the stage of parenting where I have to monitor my “tween’s” social media account. Social Media monitoring is a pretty new parenting task. It's like the modern version of reading your child’s diary or regularly finding and reading the kooky notes he or she passes back and forth to friends in class. Right around his eleventh birthday, our son asked if he could get an Instagram account.

About Instagram
For those not totally familiar with the site, Instagram is a photo-based social media network that allows members to creatively edit and share their own pictures and other visual content. It’s wildly popular-- it only launched in 2010 now boasts a 100 million user base.Their terms of use include an age requirement of 13 years or older, restrictions against posting violent, nude, partially nude or sexually suggestive photographs plus responsibility for one's account and all activity conducted with it.  

When my son asked if he could have an account, I hedged and said I’d think about it. A few weeks later he basically took over the account I had set up for myself on my phone while we were hanging out in-between his hockey games. This is how he was able to get around the minimum age requirement, which I wasn’t aware of until I started researching for this post.

Why Allow a Tween to Have an Instagram Account?
For the last year, I've used Instagram myself and I've also actually monitored my friend's daughter's account. I think I knew what we were getting in to.

I determined that I didn’t want to stop progress and hinder my son from exploring social media, when obviously it will be a viable force during his teenage years and adulthood. I feel like allowing him to have a well-monitored account now gives me the chance to influence how he virtually behaves and what he posts, i.e. how he presents himself in the future to the forever-after digital world.

I allowed him to start using Instagram after laying down some basic ground rules. Over the last few weeks I’ve had a chance to view what my son and his friends are posting and I have to say that the process has brought up a lot emotions for me.  

The Rollercoaster Ride

• First, I’ve felt frustrated. What a time suck it is scrolling through his account to look at the goofy things these tweens post!
• Second, I’ve felt intrigued and even delighted to see how creative my son and cronies can be with what they choose to post and how they comment.
• This morning I felt a little ill. Most of what his friends are posting include pictures of Spongebob, Chicago Blackhawks tributes, animals playing soccer and close ups of their faces displaying various emotions ranging from elation to fierceness. But a few of the posts have included swear words, gangster-type slang and this morning—one of his friends posted a very pointed, sexual joke in the form of an old-fashioned looking cartoon (compliments of someecards.com).

This led me to a specific discussion with my son about why I had “un-followed” this friend on his behalf and spurred me to write my own ground rules for his social media activity. I think every parent should set social media rules that give them some level of comfort. Of course that means everyone's will be a bit different. 

By setting some boundaries (and by him pushing them) my hope is that my son and I will have on-going discussions about what's happening on social media and in his real social life as he ventures forth into junior high and high school.

I’m flying by the seat of my pants here, but tomorrow I'll post the Tween Social Media Rules I've drafted for my family. I'm sure they'll evolve over the next few months (weeks?) and years but I figured I'd have a go at it. Check back tomorrow and let me know...what have I left out? What should I modify? I'll be very interested in your feedback!