Facing Down Our Own Inadequacies

Today Fred was embarrassed to show me all the schoolwork that has been piling up in his tattered major league baseball folder. It was chock full of finished assignments and even a few graded tests. As this year has gone by we obviously haven't been too diligent about always asking to see his work.

So the two of us spent a few minutes looking through a large stack of English papers, math quizzes, and science reviews and there was probably only a few without a little (or a lot) of red ink on them. Most of his papers had -3, -5, even -12 wrong. I didn't really comment on much of it, just kept flipping through and setting aside the math work that seemed the most problematic. The longer we went through the work, the more sullen he became, His sweet face got blotchy. He started to cry.

This child gets quite good grades on his report card. Not only for his academics, but for his attitude, kindness and participation. The work we looked at today is no different than the work he's been doing all year. Average, some days above average, some days below. He has no reason to be so hard on himself. We don't punish the children because of their school work, we don't scream and yell. Sometimes we tell them we want them to work harder, we emphasize that learning takes effort and time, just like learning a sport or learning to play an instrument. But the way Fred reacted this morning is no different than how my other two children would and have reacted. All three tend to get defensive and upset when they feel their work is sub-par.

After he left for school, Sam and I discussed Fred's sulking. "Why does he act like that, why is he so sensitive?" I wished out loud that he would just be bold and show me the work and say "OK, so this wasn't so great-- I'll keep trying, I'll do better next time," and roll with it. We talked about how there is virtue in the fact that he has high expectations for himself. We wondered what we might be doing "wrong" as parents that they react the way they do when things don't go exactly as they wish.

We didn't come up with any good answers. Then something hit me. Something I read last night that struck a strong chord with me...

This is from the writer Ann Patchett, from an article on a wonderful site I recently found called "Brain Pickings." Although I found some of the interview to be a little soapy, a bit over the top, that particular quote resonated with me, not just about writing but about a lot of things I do or don't do in life. "...this grief of constantly having to face down our own inadequacies" seems strong, dramatic. But frankly many days I think it's right on target.

So the next time my kids are pouting or upset about their work. I'm going to try to remember this quote and talk to them about self-forgiveness. I think I'll even print it out and tape it right here on my ole' laptop.

Ode to Summer

What should we do this summer?

Yes kids, let’s make a list
Freedom, relaxation… 
Twelve weeks just seems endless

Baseball, baseball, baseball
Packing coolers, chairs and snacks
Sunscreen, friends and croquet
The sound of open pop cans crack

Late sleepy mornings
Fans blowing through the nights
Disney Channel on the TV
Pool time and epic squirt gun fights

Bikes laying on the front lawn
Lazy talks on our front porch
Man this is a hot one
The poor lawn and garden scorch

Roadtrips new and to the lake 
Frisbee at the park
Fireflies and kick the can 
Itching bug bites after dark

I’m bored, you suck, it’s boring
Money’s flying out the door
This house looks like a hellhole
Grub and undies on the floor

Fridge and cupboards again empty
Who ate every last Pop Tart? 
It’s hot, I’m tired, he punched me!
Remind me just when school will start?

Download the lists, hit the store
Buy the lunch stuff and the snacks
This summer sure seems rainy…
You really all need new backpacks?

Hurry, hurry, hurry
Brush your teeth it’s almost eight!
Summer leaves my front door slamming
How I wish that it would wait.

The Poetry of Little League

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I love how people use language. It’s the reason why I love poetry. It never ceases to amaze me the way people can put words together in unexpected ways to convey meaning and emotion. I work hard on my creative writing every day on behalf of my clients. It’s a job that I truly enjoy and I learn more and I get a tiny bit better as a writer and editor all the time. What a blast. 

In my spare time lately, I go to a lot of little league baseball games. I mean like 5-10 a week. I can’t help but notice recently that coaches, fans and the players themselves have a language of their own. I enjoy using these phrases while cheering on my kids’ teams (Although sometimes I’m wondering if I’m using them right!)

Here is a list of my favorite baseball jargon..the weekly poetry that makes me smile. If you go to many kids’ baseball or softball games, I know you’ll be smiling too when you read this.

•Ball’s in, going down! (my all-time favorite phrase of little boy baseball players. It’s yelled by the catcher and means the practice pitching is over, time to start the inning) 
•Nice cut (Yelled all the time when a player swings and misses, but does it with authority) 
•That’s not yours (A “ball” that goes by and a player chooses not to swing at it, usually the first ball) 
•Now you’ve seen it (Same as above) 
•Everything after 2 (meaning even though there are 2 outs in the inning, the team can still get some runs, or a lot of runs!) 
•Blue (aka, the umpire... often used like, "What's the count Blue? Or, "Are you o.k. Blue?") 
•You’re up, You’re Up. (When a player is stealing a base,usually 1st to 2nd...it means don't slide!) 
•Back!!! (Or back, back, back!) (Yelled by Coach, when a player is trying to steal but needs to get BACK) 
•Wake up them bats! (start hitting, also known as “everybody hits”) 
•We’re on the board (meaning one run has at least scored-- there’s no better board than Wrigley’s by the way) 
•We have ice (to the batter who’s up to the plate, in case he/she gets hit by a pitch) 
•Take one for the team (same situation as above) 
•Fire it in (An encouragement to pitchers) 
•Can of corn (high, easy to catch fly ball) 
•Nothing above your hands (a direction to the batter to not swing at high pitches) 
•Good eye! (Said to the batter who didn’t swing at a pitch he/she couldn’t hit) 
•1 away (or 2 away-- which means 1 or 2 players are out)
•You’re in the hole (or on deck, meaning the warm up areas prior to coming up to bat) 
•Brand new ballgame (When a team that has been behind in runs, most often by a significant margin, ties up the game. It doesn’t mean that the game starts over just that neither team is ahead and the game continues.)
•Three ducks on a pond (3 men on base) 
•Skunked out (A game that ended by slaughter rule) 
•Chirping (not to be confused with chattering, chirping is when there is a lot of bragging going on by coaches, players or fans) 

Along these same lines, I love the new phrase kids use these days when they’re talking about their opponent… “Who are we versing?” Meaning “vs.-ing” or playing against. I hear some adults correct children when they say this, but I think it’s too cute to correct. 

One phrase I’m not a fan of… “Be a hitter!” Huh? Like the child wants to be striker-outer? 

What am I forgetting? What are your favorite sports phrases? I’d love to hear them… It would definitely help my baseball mom cred to have a few more in my arsenal.

Parenting Magic 8 Ball

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I’m definitely not teacher material but I was born loving children and truly enjoyed being a busy and well-paid babysitter, nanny and auntie in my younger years. I wanted my own children from the time I was twenty and after a long and rocky journey, I’m lucky and blessed enough to have three of my own.

But as much as I cherish being a mother, I’ve always had this feeling I’d be challenged by being a momma of school-aged kids in a big way. You see, I’m a do-er. I like making things work, making things better, making things right. And with younger ones-- there seems to be solid ways of doing things “right.” Babies? They’re exhausting, but love them, feed them, burp them, care for them and see that they’re hitting those milestones and you get the feeling you’re on a positive parenting track. Toddlers and pre-schoolers? I could just eat them right up-- they love to learn, explore, snuggle, laugh, and sing. They’re also exhausting little buggers but through all the tantrums, potty training and general kid-induced mess I still felt like it was pretty clear how to parent them.

But now, I’m more than knee-deep in the job of mothering school-aged kids and it’s hard to know what’s “right.” These little people who dominate my home make me wonder each day if I’m doing this parenting thing even close to right.

Do they have enough friends? Are they working hard enough in school? Are they watching too much TV, playing too much Xbox, listening to too much inappropriate music? Should I ban Eminem from their play lists? Should I be tougher with them about their schoolwork? Are they too wrapped up in sports? Do they have enough empathy? How much should we be talking about terrible news we see on TV? How bad is it that we’re hardly getting to church these days? Should I be buying more organic food? And just who are all these kids on their Instagram accounts using seriously foul language and already posting lyrics about crushes, break-ups and broken hearts?

I often feel like I have waaaay more questions than answers.

One of my current parenting dilemmas is with my sweet little girl who wants to spend almost all her time with her twin brother and friends who are boys. This is no earth-shattering problem but I get this feeling it’s an issue I need to be delicate with. She knows I’m a bit worried about this situation and was stressed to tell me yesterday that now that they can finally go outdoors at recess she plans on playing football with the boys. I felt terrible she was feeling self-conscious about this choice. It’s obvious she’s in tune with my concerns about her social well-being.

Some days I sure wish I had a parenting Magic 8 Ball to give me the answers I crave about how to make sure I'm raising my children “right.” Friends and family are supportive and of course there are thousands of books I can turn to and oodles online of parenting advice. But most of the time I’m just too busy with life to do the research-- I'm just flying by the seat of my mom-jeans (but non-elastic mom jeans btw!). I suppose that’s what most of us parents are doing… right?

This morning I noted that my daughter was in full athletic wear for school today-- track pants, t-shirt, hoodie. “Are you planning on playing football at recess today hon?” I asked as she gave me my goodbye hug. “Yes,” she replied as she pulled away and cast her eyes down. “You go get ‘em,” I told her. And as she gave me a smile that could power up this whole town’s electrical grid, I thought to myself that for today at least, I’d done at least one parenting thing “right.” 

This is What You Signed Up For

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It’s coming up on my year anniversary of volunteering on the board of directors of my local youth sports organization and it has been a really rewarding and eye-opening endeavor in so many ways. 

The Board as a whole has made many positive communication and organizational changes to the club, I have met new friends and professional contacts, I’ve learned more about the great work of other crucial volunteer groups in our community like the Rotary Club and most of all, I am proud that I’ve worked hard to serve youth in my area by helping an awesome volunteer organization keep running after more than 50 years. Around this time last year, there were rumors that the club may fold.

A few times in just the last week, members of the board or I individually have fielded complaints from parents. This is part of our volunteer “job” and we know and understand this, but I must say we sure would appreciate a “thank you” letter now and then instead of a complaint letter. 

The recent complaints from parents have literally said “this isn’t what I signed up for,” or conveyed this message in various ways.

It seems like now is as good a time as any to answer this question. In my opinion, here’s what you signed up for:

• You signed your child up to play sports in a recreational, volunteer-run sports program.
• You signed your child up to:
• Learn how to play the sport in a fair and hopefully competitive environment
• Have fun doing it
• Get some great exercise
• Learn about discipline and motivation
• Learn how to compete fairly, i.e. show good sportsmanship at all times
• :Learn how to Interact positively with other children and adults
• Learn how to face adversity, even if things don’t go their way or seem unfair
• As for parents, when you signed up your child up, you signed up for an opportunity to:
• Coach or co-coach your child
• Root on your child and all the children out there who are doing their best
• Watch your child doing something new or something they enjoy
• Become part of a community that has children’s best interests as its paramount concern
• Meet new friends and neighbors
• Support teenagers and tweens learn how to ref, umpire or keep score while earning spending, saving or college money

Right now I’m in the thick of things and have a first-hand viewpoint I am compelled to share. Over the last year, in the two volunteer-run clubs where my kids play sports I've witnessed:

• Horrible, unsportsmanlike behavior by coaches and some parents
• Parents complain bitterly about the club when they have never spent even one hour of one day volunteering to help out
• Entire Leagues or Divisions almost cease to exist because of lack of volunteerism
• Parents scream at coaches in front of children
• Coaches belittling and/or arguing with refs or umpires (some of which are teens or tweens)
• Parents calling coaches idiots behind their backs because they feel these volunteers aren’t coaching up to their standards

Enough is enough. 

• If you can volunteer your time, even a little bit, to help organizations in your community, please do so. 
• You don’t have to know a lot about sports (trust me, I don’t!) you just need to spend some time and have enthusiasm for the job.
• If you have constructive criticism or concern, please send it on respectfully. But send ideas for solutions too. 
• If you can’t control your temper, for any reason, just don’t come to the field or court.
• Please remember what the word volunteer means and respect the time and effort a few put in for many.

A few facts:

• No volunteer-run organization is perfect in any town. 
• Nor are any professionally-run organizations.
• Volunteering your time is a lot harder than writing a check and signing up your child for a travel team, but that can’t be, nor should it be the route for every child and family.
• Volunteering is a great example for kids. 
• Our country runs so much better because of the volunteers of great organizations all across this land and this spirit needs to be shared or it will die away.

Youth sports are supposed to be fun for kids. We can't forget this. Of course there is a lot more they can and do get out of their participation but parents really need to step back, remember this and be a model of good behavior. Will we fall down in this sometimes? Sure, but we have to keep trying. 

Even when refs make bad calls, even when a child is part of an uneven league or even if the child’s team loses a lot (or every) game. Of course these things aren’t fun, but we all have seen kids find fun and enjoyment despite these types of challenges when the general environment around them is positive.

Let’s get back to having youth sports bring families and communities together. Not tear them apart.

Keep Marching On

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"How to talk to your kids about the Boston Marathon Bombings" is "great content" and one of the main storylines for our national and local news outlets this morning. But for those of us who actually have to face this task, it's a dreadful experience. The reactions of our children can make us feel both relieved and worried.

Every parent has to cope with tragic world and national news in their own way. Some parents shield their children from the events as much as possible, some explain in detail. With the recent shootings in Newtown, CT. and now yesterday's act of terror in Boston, we've proactively talked to our three right away so they hear about it first in our language. When I think about it, our ultimate goal is to somewhat neutralize the story. Not that the events deserve to be neutralized-- innocent children and adults horrifically killed by senseless violence is outrageous and tragic but our children's lives need to go on. We feel they deserve to have their their psyches and nerves protected from becoming too damaged or frayed by terrible, unpredictable violence.

My just-turned eleven year old son takes the news yesterday like a small adult. His face pales, he walks away from me and sits down on the living room couch with tears swimming in his eyes. He drops his head in his hands for a minute. "Why?" he asks. 

My nearly 8 year old twins absorb the information more lightly. Both have goofy and lighthearted personalities right now but they act serious for a few moments when they talk to me about it. "Horrible, just horrible." is all they both seem to want to say right now.

We've had many discussions with our three over the years about the "war on terror." How it's really hard to "find the bad guys." That our law enforcement and government is "doing everything they can" to protect us. We talk about how the "President will make sure justice is served," "how we can't just bomb a whole country if we think the bad guys are there" and how "we can't let them win." We'll keep having those talks and answering their questions as best as we can.

In the end, what I hope they take in at this time is "we can't let them win." It's what we all must try take in. I consider myself an extremely patriotic person but I'll try to stop myself from writing a full-on anthem here. I'll just write a few words to hearten myself and hopefully whomever else might read this. 

We can't let them win. We won't let them win. Evil and violence have existed from the beginning of time but so has good, light and love. Americans are not perfect people but the truly evil among us are the vast minority. We are chock-full of everyday heroes. This world is vast but there are far more peaceful, loving souls than there are terrorists. We must go on and live our lives for today. Because tomorrow is not promised, be as joyful and fearless as possible. Pray that those who's lives have been terribly affected by senseless tragedy can someday, somehow do the same.